Joy of dating?

At the age of 23, I don’t claim to be a specialist on love and relationships. Quite the contrary. But I have gone through my share of heartbreaks and my share of stupid mistakes. For the most part, I’ve learned from them. But even more so, I’ve learned from the mistakes and heartbreaks that my friends have gone through. For the record, it’s much easier to see when something is wrong or not quite right when it’s not your own relationship that you’re looking at. And so, I base my opinions on what I’ve learned through my own doings, watching other people’s relationships as well as reading countless books on the topic.

Love is definitely not an easy thing to understand and to master. In fact, I’m not sure if anyone in this world has really mastered the art of love. There are many people who are very knowledgeable in this area, but even they have their weak points when it comes to love. I believe this is due to the sole fact that we as humans are not perfect. Dating can be easy, but it can also be intimidating, frightening – especially if you’ve been out there for a while and nothing has really struck home. I’ve seen countless people give up after a while. They accept that they’re just not going to find anyone anytime soon, and some even go as far as saying that they will never find anyone. I think it’s okay to feel a bit overwhelmed, after all – it IS overwhelming. However, I don’t believe in the saying that if you don’t look, it will come to you. Nothing will just come to you. If you want a relationship, you must look for it, you must work for it, and the most important – you must keep your eyes open. Below, are a few points that I think are important to keep in mind.

1. Get out. If you’re single (this is important even when wanting to just make friends of the same sex), you may be tempted to stay at home, watch a movie and perhaps even sulk in your loneliness. I’ve been there, and I’m sure everyone has been there or will be there at some point in time. However, you won’t meet a potential lover by watching TV in your living room. Put yourself out there. Go to a museum, an art gallery, a walk in the park. Join a photography club, a book club, or any club that interests you. Volunteer a bit of your time (the time you would be spending watching TV). If you have an invitation, don’t turn it down, even if you don’t feel completely comfortable going – whatever the reason may be, not knowing anyone or simply feeling down that day. Personally that is my biggest issue, if I don’t feel happy and an invitation comes my way, I have a hard time accepting it. However, when I do accept it, I usually end up feeling much better by the end of the day. If you’re feeling down, staying at home by yourself is just going to feed your feelings of loneliness. It’s important to take your mind off your thoughts and go out and do something.

If you’re short on time, there is always the internet. Internet dating used to have a negative stigma, but it has become much safer and easier. I can personally vouch for it, since the boyfriend and I met online. Back in the day, when I joined an online dating site, I never thought that it would lead to anything. I mainly joined because the site offered free personality quizzes, which I enjoyed doing to pass time. Eventually I started browsing peoples profiles because they were interesting and some were quite extensive making it rather fun to read. It took about two years until I found the boyfriend, but I wasn’t really that active on the website until much later, so I’m sure something could foster much quicker especially if you actually went on a dating site to date and not complete quizzes.

2. He/she might just be good enough. Some people settle for anything they think they can get. In reality, these people can always do better thank they think they can. On the other end, some people won’t settle for anything but their idea of perfection. This is a major problem – I’m sorry to burst your bubble if you’re one of these people, but perfection doesn’t exist. The knight in shining armour has faults. He may not pick his dirty laundry off the floor, be too aggressive, or do something that will annoy you to no end. Everyone has faults and therefore, I really don’t believe there are any two people in this world who are completely perfect for each other. Rather, I think there are many people in this world who compliment each other well.

When being choosy, I believe it’s important to realize which factors are deal breakers and which are factors that can be worked around. For example, if you want kids and the woman/man you’re seeing does not – I would consider that a deal breaker. The two of you obviously see a different life together. However, if you want someone with a college degree, reasoning that this would bring about a fulfilling, intellectual lifestyle, I would say that this should not be a deal breaker. Someone who doesn’t have that piece of paper might be able to make you laugh and challenge you intellectually more so or as equally as someone with a piece of paper. Especially in our day and age, when the undergraduate degree is loosing it’s worth each day.

3. Relationships have a natural process of developing. Don’t rush it. If you’ve just had a fourth successful date, resist fantasizing about the wonderful life you’ll have together, and most of all, take thoughts of how perfect he/she is out of your head. Such thoughts impair your judgement and you might therefore overlook some important negative aspects of the person you are perfecting in your mind.

4. The changeable physical problems. I find that way too many people miss out on something great simply because they find something physically wrong with someone. I think it’s important to remember that most of the physical things that signal a red sign to people can be changed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to give every single person out there a chance. No. You can’t be attracted to everyone out there, but if you think a person is reasonably attractive if only his teeth were straight… she lost a bit of weight… he had better style… her hair was blonde… etc, then I think these people merit a chance. And no, I don’t think that people are shallow for thinking such thoughts.

It might not work out for the two of you, but maybe it will. And you know what? Most people will be willing to change something about their physical self. Most overweight people don’t actually want to be overweight. Maybe they just need a push, someone to believe in them. You could always start exercising together. And if you can overlook crooked teeth for the first little while, you can always talk to your partner about getting them straightened out if they still really bother you. Point is that some physical aspects can be changed, and most likely, if you don’t like it, they probably don’t like it either, therefore chances are they’ll be willing to work with you to change it.

5. Push yourself out of your patterns. If you’ve always gone for the bad boys and they’ve always treated you badly and you’ve always had your heart broken, why still go for them? You might say that they are the only ones you’re attracted to. Really? I don’t know about that. I urge you to try and date someone who doesn’t fit the usual type of man/woman you go for. Accept a date with someone more sensitive, or someone who’s typically labelled a nerd. It might not work out, but what if you’ll be pleasantly surprised?

2 Responses to “Joy of dating?”

1. A. says:

   December 19, 2009 at 12:46

   Oh god.. I can’t believe I’m back at square one. haha
   I miss being in a relationship. It’s weird though, I have
   a feeling that I won’t be in a relationship for a while.
   It’s always been so difficult for me to find people I
   want something with, do you think I’m one of those
   too-picky people?

   I usually end up frustrated or bored after a while of being alone and end up settling for someone who’s wanted my affection for a long time.. Then I try to change them into
   the best they can be. Ugh I know.. it’s a bad habit, but I
   can’t help it. :( I’m such an improver lol. I obviously do it because I think it helps but it always does the opposite.

   How do we perfectionists learn to be lenient on others,
   to not try to impose our ‘look’ or ‘vision’ on others, to
   let them be themselves and try not to go crazy picking them apart? It’s so hard because we do it to ourselves and the ones we love. (sigh) I guess I have to loosen up and try
   not to be so controlling.

   Wow writing this ‘comment’ was a mini therapy session for me Karina! I can’t believe I just realized how controlling I’ve
   been in the past. How can I rid myself of this trait?? Help!

   Reply
   • K says:

     December 24, 2009 at 13:50

     Hi darling! I’m sorry to hear that it ended with Chris, I know you really liked him. You know, it’s funny, I was just thinking about your habits the other day. You do have a rather bad habit of really falling for people, and then when you see they’re not 100% what you want them to be, you get bored. I don’t think there is an easy way to get rid of bad habits – whatever they may be. But, I do think that you can take small steps. However, first I think you have to understand that no one is perfect. You’re not perfect, I’m certainly not perfect and you cannot expect perfection from anyone. You need to realize that peoples quirks can be something that you can learn to love. Of course, there are some things that you will never be able to learn to love, and in the case that there are too many of those things, it can only mean one thing – the two of you just aren’t right for each other. But a few habits that you can’t learn to love is okay, in my opinion. I think you just need to find someone with whom you can make it work in every respect. Great sex is not enough. In the long run, you need someone who you can live without, who you can’t live without and who you can live with. There needs to be a balance, and in my opinion, from what I know of your relationships, you lack that balance.

     It’s definitely not easy, and I know that because I’m a perfectionist as well, as you know. I just think it’s terribly important to understand that you can only mold people – this happens every time people get close, they mold each other – but you cannot change someone. Therefore, you either accept them as they are and learn to love their bad qualities or you look for someone else whose bad qualities are easier to learn to accept. But no one is perfect, and that’s a fact.

     Reply